Loss.

*Disclaimer: I am not writing this for sympathy. I'm writing this because I have felt pretty lonely. People don't like to talk about this kind of stuff, it's too sensitive. People suffer in silence. I want my friends to know that if they have a loss, they're not alone. I've been there. I like to share. I think it's good. It relieves stress to share my experiences and feelings. & I like reading that from other people, so I want to do that for someone else.*

On Monday we found out that I would be having a baby sometime between December 1 & the 14th. I had been getting sick over the weekend and decided to take a test on a whim. It was positive immediately.  I bought a cheesy big sister tshirt to tell Gabe. After much discussion of what this meant for my health, we were happy. We were talking to Peyton about being a big sister. I started looking online at maternity clothes because I love them. I was stressing about giving birth in France.

By Tuesday night I knew something was wrong. I had been cramping all day & they were getting worse. My lower back was killing me. & then I started spotting. I didn't stress because spotting isn't abnormal. It happens. 

Wednesday morning it all came crashing down. I was in so much pain that standing up straight was hurting & I couldn't walk very fast. & the bleeding. Oh, the bleeding. I cried. A lot. I knew it was coming, I knew my risk, but seeing it actually happen was not something I was prepared for. I don't think it's something anyone can prepare for. Gabe came home from French & took me to the doctor. Lady doctors are already an uncomfortable experience, but this hurt like Hades. I've never been in so much pain with a simple exam. The ultrasound showed that I had been pregnant, but there was blood everywhere. My doctor didn't want to confirm it was a miscarriage, probably to spare my feelings. But I knew & I wasn't going to hold on to that hope. The next day I got a call that confirmed my miscarriage, which made it even more real.

The pain has subsided, the bleeding has not. We don't know exactly how far along I was. I don't need a d&c which is good. But it doesn't matter how far along someone is. A loss is a loss. This isn't my first miscarriage. With a 50% chance of miscarriage, which is double the normal rate, I'm sure it won't be my last. But this one was much more painful both physically & emotionally than my last. I don't wish this kind of pain on anyone. Luckily, I'm pretty sure I know why I miscarried, which is something a fertility specialist will hopefully be able to stop the next time, but it still sucks knowing that my body can't do something on it's own anymore that it should be able to do. Support a pregnancy. 

I am okay. I have been super blessed by family & friends this week. My family sent me flowers. My mom told two friends that live nearby that I had a miscarriage & within hours they both dropped everything & came running. These are girls I've known since junior high in England, have seen only a few times in the last 6 years, but are still some of the best friends I'll ever have. Rachel brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her studio, & Linda was with me til 3am. There's something about good friends in a military community. They're actually friends for life. Most of my closest friends are people I met in junior high & high school. 

Off topic. Here's the point. I miscarried. It stinks. We want to give Peyton a sibling so bad. She needs one. She's spoiled. I have to keep telling myself it'll happen & that I'm blessed! I am. I really am. Secondary infertility can't be as bad as infertility the first time around. I understand why people don't tell they're pregnant so early. I can't imagine announcing & then having to say I miscarried or having to field questions about someone that missed the update about the miscarriage later. But I don't mind talking about it afterward. I feel like people don't talk about infertility & miscarriages enough. It's real, and it's sad. I'm confident I'll get pregnant and stay that way eventually with some help. But for now I have this girl to keep me busy, & she makes me SO happy!!!

I was inspired to write my experience because I saw this post by a woman I follow about what not to say to someone having a miscarriage. I loved it. I haven't had a lot of miscarriage experience, but I feel a lot of these things. 

& I know I have a lot of pregnant friends. I am happy for all of you!! I'm not bitter. I still like answering questions about things I can help with for my knocked up friends. :)

Love,

Alexa